A Simple Poem

A brief glance,

A chance encounter,

A moment,

Can change everything.

 

In these moments we try to make the best decisions.

We hope we are doing the right thing.

All while trying to please our senses.

 

Depriving ourselves of happiness…

All in the name of virtue.

 

Suppressing our desires…

Because of our values.

 

Holding down our needs…

In the name of morals.

 

But a meeting can change everything we stand for.

Our views shift,

Our feelings develop,

And we aren’t the same.

 

What was…

Is gone.

 

What is…

Is us.

My Life Has Had Some Struggles

  • Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.
  • Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  • Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are wrong, promptly admit it.

These are just a few steps for alcoholics anonymous.

These few steps should be part of anyone’s life really. But these simple steps are very difficult; in fact, many people struggle to apologize where they have wronged people.

I’m not an alcoholic. I have had issues with it in the past, but my primary character flaw has been codependence.

This issue strained my life as well as many relationships I had with people throughout my life because I was constantly on guard about who could get close to me as well as not knowing what healthy boundaries were.

Somewhere along the road though, I became stronger, I started seeing things as they were, and I wanted to change. I didn’t want to live in a dark hole feeling alone anymore. I wanted to live a fulfilling life, knowing I was acting appropriately as well.

I’ve made subtle changes to my behavior over the last few years, safely transitioning towards healthy relationships with myself and others, but I’ve come to this place: an admitting wrongs and trying to fix them standoff.

This isn’t comfortable for me at all. There are people from long ago I have no desire to ever talk to again, but my heart, my weak heart, tells me if I’m going to let go of things, then I have to make things right.

I don’t want permanent relationships. I just want to admit where I was wrong. That could have been putting up steep walls and being selfish or simply having zero boundaries and allowing another to do with me as they pleased.

This part of the path is like hiking up a mountain, without gear or water, in 100 degree heat. It’s killing me. I feel stuck. I know this is an important step, but I’m struggling here.

Do I just say screw it and not admit fault? Do I just write until I can’t write anymore and leave it at that? What do normal people do?

Codependence has been the ache in my side my entire life. Conquering it hasn’t been easy either. But I know people have done it before me so I can to. I will defeat this hindering flaw.

Not Wanted

Not Wanted

You made me
You said you wanted me
You said you loved me
You tried to push me out the door before I was ready
So I left

I struggled to come back
I didn’t want to come back
I knew I was a burden
Or at least you made me feel unwanted
But I came because you said you loved me

Here we are
5 years later and it’s the same
This time she won’t even defend me
This time is harder
Neither of you care
This time when I go
I won’t be back

I thought you said
You wanted me
You loved me
But don’t worry about me
I can do it myself
I can be by myself
I don’t need you
I don’t need this bullshit

You made me
You said you wanted me
You said you loved me
You tried to push me out the door before I was ready
This is my final goodbye
I won’t be back

I’m not a burden
I’m not a responsibility
I’m a breathing human being
I don’t deserve this
Because your selfish
I have to feel unwanted
I don’t understand how
you can live with yourself for this
How you think your actions are acceptable

You were right
History does repeat itself
Except it stops now
I’m not continuing this rejection
It stops with me
Another human doesn’t deserve this
Feeling not wanted isn’t fair

You made me
You said you wanted me
You said you loved me
You tried to push me out the door before I was ready
So I left.

Sometimes I write poems in my head…

This society we’ve built

Are we proud of it?

 

This place we call home

We feel alone,

We feel like strangers.

 

And we feed this herd

With lies of trust & loyalty.

 

This society isn’t whole

It’s lost.

 

Why are we pretending,

Why are we putting on a show

For this society,

When really, this society

Is to damn self-consumed.

 

I will be the change,

I will be honest,

I will be who I am,

I will not apologize

For being me.

 

Be accountable.

Own up to who you are.

Learn.

Progress.

Reflect.

Accept.

Don’t look back and feel bad;

That doesn’t change anything.

 

Look ahead.

The future is going to happen

Regardless if you want that.

So embrace it.

 

Just be real.

 

Would society change for the better if we did this?

 

We spent our time looking back and blaming others,

When really

The fault is our own.

 

We struggle forgiving,

We refuse to forget,

We create a prison of fears,

And a cycle of pain,

Because we won’t let go.

 

Our society is running on this fear.

Is our society afraid of real peace?

 

We don’t know what that means

As a whole,

And can’t until

We find it on our own.

 

~random thoughts from my brain ♥

 

Ice Castle – Midway 2014

Ice Castles - Midway 2014

Today was our 6 year anniversary. Not married, but just being together for that long. That’s a long time to be with someone in today’s society. At least American society that is.

To celebrate this achievement, I wanted to go to the Ice Castle in Midway.

My honest opinion of the Ice Castle: I was expecting more. Don’t misunderstand me, the Ice Castle was great, but I wanted more. There were a lot of people there which made it difficult to take pictures.

If we go next year, we’ll be going during the day. It’s worth it to go at least once if they are close to you.

Grandpa is Gone

The phone was ringing at 8:30 that winter night and I knew in my gut something was wrong. I answered the phone to my cousin telling me he was gone. He was my grandpa. And now he was gone.

The feelings of shock and denial surfaced so quickly I could barely cry. They suffocated my ability to talk or to feel.

I thought to myself, “Shit.” How was I going to deal with this on top of everything else I was dealing with?

His death wasn’t really a surprise though. He had been diagnosed with cancer and we all knew that he was in the last stage; his time to depart was coming upon us quickly. But that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

At the time of his death, my immediate family had already fallen apart. My relationships with my mother and sister were nonexistent.

My dad was a different story.

He was locked up at the time my grandpa died. In fact, he was just transferred to the point of the mountain. That is the place felons go, that is where the prison is. And that was the place I had to go on a weekly basis to visit my father.

Going to visit him was painful every time I went. It never really got easier to do. He was depressed, I was depressed, and talking about the difficult things was the last place of conversation either of us wanted to go.

But here it was, visiting day, and I had to tell him. My family out of the state asked me to not say anything to my dad; they didn’t want to put more on his plate than he already had. How was that fair? I was the middleman supporting him through this nightmare and trying to get myself through this shit at the same time, trying to not fall apart myself, and I’m supposed to keep my dad’s stepfather’s death a secret for another unknown amount of years. Impossible!

I had no idea how I was going to tell him though.

I walked into the prison, took off my coat and hanged it on the wall. I went to the guard to sign in and give him my driver’s license. I removed the required items to go through the metal detector and walked through. After that I gathered all the strength I had left and walked to the door my dad was through.

I sat down and he was there, sitting on the other side of the glass in his prison uniform, happy as ever to see me. He looked so relieved that I was there, like my presence was a break from reality. Maybe it was.

We talked about nothing really for only a minute, you know the general, “how is the weather” type of things. And then I spit it out like the news was vomit projecting from my heart. I couldn’t help it. I had to get this sad truth out of my system.

“Grandpa died Dad. He’s gone.”

“He’s gone?” My dad said. His eyes filled with tears, his face reddened, and he just responded “I’m sorry you had to tell me like this and I’m not there.”

“Yeah. I had to tell you. I’m sorry. Everyone told me to not say anything. But I couldn’t. You had to know.” At this point, I’m starting to breathe heavily from the tears flowing profusely down my face and nerves of my entire being shaking every part of my body.

“I’m glad you told me. I was just about to write him. And that would’ve been money I couldn’t afford to lose sending a letter that he would never get. I can’t waste the money.”

Then we just sat there, staring at each other, crying.

What else could we do? We couldn’t even hug because of the glass window.

Before I left that visit, I told my dad I was going to go to the funeral. RG was somehow going to make a way for me to make it out of state.

We take for granted the visits we have with each other, the fact that we can hold each other when we need comfort, laugh with each other in joyous moments, or just sitting with one another for the mere satisfaction of having company.

When those options aren’t available and we are left to a pathetic resemblance of spending time with each other, telling the truth just might be the most difficult thing we have to do. But honesty is the only way through.

Telling my dad that my grandpa had passed away was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I hurt so badly on the inside that I really thought I was going to break down. I can’t imagine how he was feeling when I told him. I can only hope that he has made peace with the way this happened. Have I yet? I’m really not sure.

For one thing, I won’t take the chance of missing out on a hug or a chat just because I’m too busy. I remind the people I love that I love them and that they are important to me. I don’t want to leave this world or they leave before me without the truth between us to comfort and guide us.